A lucky man

"You know," a guy told his buddies, "I'm a lucky man.I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from work."
"What did she do?" someone asked.
"She was so happy to have me home," he said, "that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, she'd shout, 'My husbands home! My husband's home!'"

The wife

"Okay," said the wife, "I'll admit I like to spend money, but it's the only extravagance I have!"

The divorce judge

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

The salesgirl

"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."

Before and after

"Before I married my wife," a husband once said, "it was nothing but wine, women, and song.
Now that I'm her husband, it's beer, mama, and TV."

The fool

"And you tell me several men proposed marriage to you," said the husband.
"Yes, several," the wife replied.
"Well I wish you had married the first fool who proposed."
"I did!"

The wife

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.