A $200 proposal

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else.
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said: "I'll give a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said no. Johnny said: "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down snd I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend ... So she called her boyfriend ... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says: "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded: "The bastard used coins!"

Good, bad, ugly

* Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
* Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
* Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

* Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
* Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
* Ugly: You're in them

* Good: Your husband understands fashion
* Bad: He's a cross-dresser
* Ugly: He looks better than you

* Good: Your son's finally maturing
* Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
* Ugly: So are you

* Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
* Bad: She keeps interrupting
* Ugly: With corrections

* Good: Your wife's not talking to you
* Bad: She wants a divorce
* Ugly: She's a lawyer

* Good: The postman's early
* Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
* Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

* Good: Your daughter got a new job
* Bad: As a hooker
* Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
* Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

* Good: You're son is dating someone new
* Bad: It's another man
* Ugly: He's you're best friend

* Good: You're wife is pregnant.
* Bad: It's triplets
* Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

You used to ...

"You used to hold my hand years ago when we were courting," she said as they were side by side in bed.
He reached over, took her hand and held it.
"Then you used to kiss me," she purred.
He turned over, gave her a slight kiss and then rolled over again to sleep.
"After that, you used to bite my neck."
With that the husband got up.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth," he grumbled.

A lucky man

"You know," a guy told his buddies, "I'm a lucky man.I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from work."
"What did she do?" someone asked.
"She was so happy to have me home," he said, "that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, she'd shout, 'My husbands home! My husband's home!'"

Richard Nixon vs Bill Clinton

"Similarities between presidents Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton":

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Water Bed

Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore

Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burns

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 38-DD bra in his briefcase

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No difference

Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and say "He's the one"

Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her

Only in America

"Only in America":
...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
...are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink.
...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.
...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".

Old is when ...

"Old" is when...

...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't

have to go along.

...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the

police.

..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

The wife

"Okay," said the wife, "I'll admit I like to spend money, but it's the only extravagance I have!"

The divorce judge

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

The trip

"Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free
trip around the Sun!"