Good, bad, ugly

* Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
* Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
* Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

* Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
* Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
* Ugly: You're in them

* Good: Your husband understands fashion
* Bad: He's a cross-dresser
* Ugly: He looks better than you

* Good: Your son's finally maturing
* Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
* Ugly: So are you

* Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
* Bad: She keeps interrupting
* Ugly: With corrections

* Good: Your wife's not talking to you
* Bad: She wants a divorce
* Ugly: She's a lawyer

* Good: The postman's early
* Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
* Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

* Good: Your daughter got a new job
* Bad: As a hooker
* Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
* Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

* Good: You're son is dating someone new
* Bad: It's another man
* Ugly: He's you're best friend

* Good: You're wife is pregnant.
* Bad: It's triplets
* Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

You used to ...

"You used to hold my hand years ago when we were courting," she said as they were side by side in bed.
He reached over, took her hand and held it.
"Then you used to kiss me," she purred.
He turned over, gave her a slight kiss and then rolled over again to sleep.
"After that, you used to bite my neck."
With that the husband got up.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth," he grumbled.

A lucky man

"You know," a guy told his buddies, "I'm a lucky man.I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from work."
"What did she do?" someone asked.
"She was so happy to have me home," he said, "that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, she'd shout, 'My husbands home! My husband's home!'"

Richard Nixon vs Bill Clinton

"Similarities between presidents Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton":

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Water Bed

Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore

Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burns

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 38-DD bra in his briefcase

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No difference

Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and say "He's the one"

Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her

Only in America

"Only in America":
...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
...are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink.
...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.
...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".

Old is when ...

"Old" is when...

...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't

have to go along.

...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the

police.

..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

The wife

"Okay," said the wife, "I'll admit I like to spend money, but it's the only extravagance I have!"

The divorce judge

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

The trip

"Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free
trip around the Sun!"

My daughter

"I'm worried," said the woman to her sex therapist. "I happened to find my daughter and the little boy next door both naked and examining each other's bodies."
"That's not unusual," smiled the therapist. "I wouldn't worry about it."
"But I am worried, doctor," insisted the woman, "and so is my daughter's husband!"

The salesgirl

"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."

My wives

"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."
"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!"

The Psychiatric Hotline

"Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Doctor Doctor

• "Doctor Doctor i feel like a bridge!"

"What's come over you?"

"2 buses, 3 motorbikes and a train."

• "Doctor Doctor - I feel like a pack of cards!"

"I'll deal with you later."

• "Doctor Doctor - I feel like a needle!"

"I see your point."

• "Doctor Doctor - I feel like a pair of curtains!"

"Pull yourself togerther man!"

• "Doctor Doctor - I have 59 seconds to live!"

"Wait a minute will ya!

Oh, darling ...

"Darling," she whispered after they had finished making love, "Will you still make love like that to me after we're married ?"

He considered this for a moment, and then replied, "I think so.

I've always been especially fond of married women."

Before and after

"Before I married my wife," a husband once said, "it was nothing but wine, women, and song.
Now that I'm her husband, it's beer, mama, and TV."

The fool

"And you tell me several men proposed marriage to you," said the husband.
"Yes, several," the wife replied.
"Well I wish you had married the first fool who proposed."
"I did!"

The three roses

"A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.
The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."
"Who is the third rose from?" she asked
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit...
He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

Yo Mama's so ugly

- Yo Mama's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals"
- Yo Mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yeah! Let's go bury it!"
- Yo Mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
- Yo Mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.
- Yo Mama's so ugly, they didn't make a costume for her when she tried out for Star Wars.
- Yo Mama's so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say, "Damn! Is it Halloween already?"
- Yo Mama's so ugly, the govt. moved Halloween to her birthday.
- Yo Mama's so ugly, her mom had to feed her with a sling shot.
- Yo Mama's so ugly, she had to trick-or-treat over the phone.
- Yo Mama's so ugly, two guys broke into her apt., she yelled "rape", they yelled "NO!"
- Yo mama's so ugly, she's like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border.
- Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like her neck threw up.
- Yo mama's so ugly, rice crispies won't even talk to her.
- Yo mama's so ugly, she scares people even with the lights out.
- Yo mama's so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
- Yo mama's so ugly, when your dad wants to have sex in the car, he tells her to get out.
- Yo mama's so ugly, that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
- Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said "Thanks for bringing her back."

Three dogs at the vet

There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says,"I chewed up all my masters shoes, and that's why I'm here".
The next dog said,"I peed on my masters $1,000 rug".
The next dog then comes in and say's,"My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time!".
"And that's why you're here?" asked the other dogs. "No, I'm getting my nails clipped."

The funeral

Marie's funeral is a sad one as she goes to join her departed husband. Standing near the casket, a mourner keeps repeating, "At last they're together. At last they're together."
A mourner whispers, "Why are you making such a tumult? She was a tramp even when Nick was alive. What's with this nonsense...at last they're together!"
The first mourner responds, "I'm talking about her LEGS! At last they're together!"

Little Johnny and Dad

Little Johnny and his Dad were driving through town one day.
Johnny says, "You know Dad, I bet I have had sex with more women than you". His Dad was shocked that Johnny could possibly think this, so he says, "Son, there's no way! I've been on this earth 20 yrs longer than you have, there is no way you have been with more women than I have!".
Johnny replies, "Yep, Dad, I think I have."
So his Dad thinks for a minute, "I tell you what, when we see a woman we've had sex with, we'll clap."
Johnny says "o.k."
They continue down the street, Johnny says "Hey look, it's Betty Lou" (clap).
His Dad looks, "Ya, I know Betty Lou" (clap).
"Look," says his dad, "There's Sally" (clap).
Johnny says "I know Sally" (clap). "And there's Jenny" (clap).
His dad looks, "Yes, I know Jenny" (clap).
So Johnnys dad says "Well, Son, I've got to hand it to you, you haven't done bad for yourself, but I've got ya beat."
They pull into the driveway, Johnnys dad goes in and says "Hi Hon" (clap).
And Johnny comes in and says "Hi Mom," (clap) "Sis," (clap) "Grandma" (clap)

Blonde girls & blonde boys

- How come blonde girls have bruises around and in their bellybuttons?
- I don't know...Why?
- Because blonde boys are stupid as well!

Blondes

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

PMS & ESPN

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN

The life

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The wife

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Be nice

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Don't get married

Don't get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house.

Heaven

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

The comeback

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Miss Right

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".

Jesus vs. everybody else

Jesus loves you. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

911

I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.

Grandfather and the passengers

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Software

Failure is not an option! It comes bundled with the software.

Blood vs. water

Blood is thicker than water and tastier, too.

Politicians and the farmer

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."